Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
