I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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