I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
