Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
