I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
