it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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