just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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