Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I touched a dick in church today
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
