i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
