If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Randomize
