Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
