you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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