i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
