Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
