On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
