god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
