i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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