so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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