Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
