do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
