we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
