He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
