sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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