You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
