got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
