If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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