hotel room ftw
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
it's like iHOP with fire
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
