I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
