oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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