youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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