rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
