Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
