never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
