Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
