honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
