some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
