I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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