she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
