Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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