You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
