Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
