Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
