it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
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