So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
so let's talk penis.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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