Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Randomize
