Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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