How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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