i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
high people should be assigned attendants
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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