I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
