i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
